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Self Portrait (1): Asking Question

life is painting a picture; not doing a sum
--OW Holmes--

Writing something witty is beyond my comprehension. I don’t have the privilege to do that. The best that I can do is asking questions and feel discontented with it. The thing is, I feel that what really matters are those things that I can learn to accept just the way it is, without remorse and regret. At any rate, it’s not something new after all, for I have seen people who do just that in many parts of the world; those who gladly sow the seeds of hope in their backyard.

Seize the day they say, with the morning wings they fly. They believe on futility upon anger and hatred. They understand the efficacy at tolerance and pardon. Compromise is their magic word. What about your principle then? Where should you put it? How do you fit your self in the world of inequality and unfairness? Like a little boy who lost his toys, I keep annoying my Father to give me a clear answer.

Yet, those are flawed questions to ask in the first place. Principle has nothing to do with adaptation. As much as the apparent impact of my action, my inwardness and the outside world are separate entities within which norms of reciprocity are hardly exist. As a well-known aphorism says ‘it’s all in your head’. I am the master of my own reality. Now, I’m starting to realize that even asking question is not a simple task. It’s not about finding the right answer; it’s about asking the right question.

The road that lies ahead will never be the same again. Self-doubt has to move further to self-assurance. My scattered thoughts have to be portrayed into a beautiful picture. Quoting Adam Duritz, gray will be my favorite color, and eternity will be my canvas. 

This very morning, this is going to be my first stroke. Is it? I’ll never know.

 

sesuatu

sesuatu menghantam belakang kepala siang tadi
nicky bilang kena tekanan darah tinggi awak ini
sakit betul, tengkuk mengeras,
macam ada tiang2 besi dibalik leher
berdiri lama tak kuat pula
setelah sekian malam duduk dan mengetik
dan tertidur pula di atas kursi
ini upahnya? gila
bagus kau sakit, tanda-nya masih normal, batak itu bilang
kawanku ada yg langsung stroke,
baru umur 21 tahun, tambahnya pula

kulihat badanku yg mengembung macam karung ini
ya Tuhan, apa saja yg kumakan?
harus segera olahraga teratur
dan makan sayur
jus juga mungkin,

sesuatu menghantam belakang kepala siang tadi
belum juga reda malam ini
setelah ini lalu apa
besok pagi jalan kaki dulu
pelan-pelan

when you reach thirty
your body has its own mind
--bette midler--